Wife of an adulterous husband

[Tonya Stamper]

I am now reaping what I sowed. I am a recovering addict and some years ago I choose my addiction over my marriage and everything else. During my many binges, my husband met another woman, left me for her and fell in love with her. For some reason or another me and husband were never divorced but had been apart for several years. During our separation God delivered me from my addiction. By the suggestion of my peers in my treatment center it was suggested to contact my husband to notify him that I was alive and o.k.. Well, that one conversation led to us eventually getting back together which consisted of him leaving his mistress and me and him getting back together. It has been pure hell!!!!! He's still involved with her sexually, emotionally and financially. Basically, he has told me he just took me back to let me know how miserable I made him feel and that he doesn't love me and wants me to get out and has called me all kinds of disrespectful names, choked me and has her to call our home. It seems everyone tells me to look at what I did to him basically condoning his behavior and telling me I deserve what I'm going through. Only one person has suggested that I stay because it is God's will for us to stay together. I'm in school, work 2 jobs part-time and have no where else to go.

[In His Image Ministries]

Hello Tonya,
I would first like to say that I am praying for you. You are a beautiful woman made in the image of God, and if you trust in Him, I fully believe He will give you the ability and wisdom to get through and beyond this situation no matter what it currently looks like. I believe the Bible provides us with wisdom from God and gives us direction and guidance for our lives, so that is what my response is based upon.

This type of situation could trigger feelings of fear within any woman placed in the same circumstances, so it is really important to remember your true Source is God, not your husband. Remember that God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). You can choose to walk in His power, you can choose to act in love (no matter what others are doing around you), and God has given you a sound mind to think through your problems and find a solution to any problem that arises on your life path.

One of the things I always try to remember myself is that I cannot put my full trust in any other human being. I must put my total trust and faith in God to bring me through any situation that may arise in my relationships with other humans.

Next, I must address that I do not know all the details of your situation, only what you have shared. I am unsure of all that you have both put each other through, and also do not know what if feels like to be in either one of your shoes. But I can try to share wisdom and principles from God’s Word for you to use to move forward with your life. This is kind of long, but complex problems sometimes require a lengthy answer.

I know that when we go to God and sincerely ask for forgiveness for what we have done wrong that He forgives us of our sins.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Hebrews 8:12
For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.

Psalm 103:12 (King James Version)
As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

The problem though is that we still live in a fallen world, and while our sins and mistakes are forgiven when we confess them, the consequences for our actions still exist. This is why God so lovingly provided us with His Word to warn us about which paths to avoid so we can avoid the negative consequences that are attached to those paths. Sometimes though, after we have asked for and received forgiveness, we still may find ourselves in need of God’s wisdom for how to best handle or manage the consequences that come from our actions. So while you have taken steps to recover from your addiction, you will still have to seek God daily for a clear path out of the circumstances you are now in, so you can move forward and be fruitful with the rest of your life. I know He will show you as you seek Him.

John 11:22
But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee.

John 14:13
And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

John 15:16
Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.

Psalm 37:23
The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

You sharing that you are a recovering addict (and we praise God for that!), gives a little more insight into the situation. Sometimes those who suffer with an addiction cannot fully feel and fully comprehend all that they have dragged their loved ones through emotionally. If he really loved you, and it seems he did at some point to have remained with you while you were addicted, then there is no telling what that did to him mentally and emotionally. Maybe that is the place that some are speaking from when they likely use the wrong words to express their feelings about your situation. I know that humans have the potential to be cruel in the way that they state their opinions.

No matter how others feel though, there is no excuse for your husband’s adulterous behavior in retaliation for what he feels you did to him. There is a right way (God’s way) to handle things and a wrong way (Deuteronomy 30:19). He could have chosen a better path for his own life. Two wrongs never ever make a right. Looking at what you both have put each other through, acknowledging it verbally to one another, and sincerely expressing apologies may help you develop a starting point to reuniting if that is the path you both choose to take at some point. Even then, I suggest marital counseling and for you to both go into the situation knowing it will be a lifelong journey of loving and sowing into one another daily to rebuild the relationship.

If getting back together is not an option because he is not willing, you must accept the fact that we as females cannot control the actions of any man. You can pray about the state of both of your hearts, and about you both forgiving one another, but you cannot force him to stay with or return to you. If he does not choose to reunite with you and if you have sincerely apologized to him, it will at least be a starting point to you being able to move beyond this situation. You can press forward knowing that you have done all that you can do to salvage the relationship. God does not desire for us to live in a situation that feels like hell.

Jeremiah 29:11 (King James Version)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I trust that no matter what you and your husband decide, that as you put one foot in front of the other, and do all that you can do each day to get on your feet, and to progress to a new level, that God can and will provide for all of your needs.

Philippians 4:19
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Remembering also though, that James 2:20, 26 states that "faith without works is dead." So you are going to have to decide exactly what you want for your life, and work your faith in that area. If you have no where to turn to, and your husband will not take steps toward reconciliation, and you have no other options financially and for housing, I do suggest checking with the women’s shelters and ministries in your area to see what shelter and resources nearby are available to you to aid you in getting up on your feet. Continue to work, and do not give up on school or any of your goals. Press forward the best you can each day, and continually look for new opportunities and opened doors.

Step by step, following principle after principle in God’s Word you will come to a better place and new season in your life. What God promises, He will fulfill. Keep pressing. Galatians 6:9 says “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Below I have provided scriptures to meditate on when you feel deserted by a loved one, for forgiveness, and for when you are having marital problems. Prayerfully, I know they will provide you with wisdom to help you get through this storm.

Much love, prayer and many blessings,
Marla

Scripture for when you are deserted by loved ones:
Psalm 9:10
Psalm 94:14
Psalm 27:10
Matthew 28:20
Isaiah 62:4
II Corinthians 4:9
I Peter 5:7
Psalm 37:25
Deuteronomy 4:31
Isaiah 41:17
Psalm 91:14, 15
Isaiah 49:15, 16
Psalm 43:5
Deuteronomy 31:6
I Samuel 12:22

Forgiveness:
Matthew 6:14, 15
Matthew 18:21, 22
Luke 17:3
Mark 11:25
Colossians 3:13
Philippians 3:13, 14
Isaiah 43: 18, 19
I Peter 2:19-23
Matthew 5:10-12
Hebrews 10:30
I Peter 4:12-14
Matthew 5: 44
Romans 12:21
I Peter 3: 9, 10
Ephesians 4: 31, 32

Marital Problems:
Ephesians 4:31, 32
Genesis 2:18
Genesis 2:24
Ephesians 5:21-33
I Peter 3:1-7
Joshua 24:15
Romans 13:10
Psalm 101:2
I Peter 3: 8-11
Proverbs 3:5, 6
Proverbs 10:12
I Peter 1:22

[Tonya Stamper]

In His Ministries Image,

You are a beautiful woman made in the image of God also. Thank you so very much for your prayers. I truly believe that God will direct my path but I will need to do the foot work. My church and one of my places of employment both provide shelter for homeless and abused women. I know it's the enemy filling my mind with shame about having to basically, go back to where I thought I was delivered from "a shelter." I am currently in weekly counseling here at school and am totally distraught over the fact that my semester has just began and I may have to deal with the tragedy that is attached with divorce. I also must be truthful about my wrongdoings, I am hurting so much that it triggers me to feed into his negativity and retaliate by resulting to arguing and name calling back to Gary. I was strong for a couple of months and would go into another room and immediately pray or read my bible, but became so filled with rage and pain that I resulted to Gary's behavior. I have prayed, repented and continue to constantly pray on a minute-to-minute basis. I do not plan to file for divorce because I truly believe that God is not in divorce that it is a tool of the enemy. I know that Gary will file and I will go from there but have the utmost faith that God will lead my path. I wish I could continue on but have a class in a couple of minutes. Again, thank you for your words of encouragement, prayers and strength from the scriptures. I will send more later, have a blessed day!

[In His Image Ministries]

You are very welcome. I do understand why you are feeling what you are feeling. In understanding that, I do encourage you to do all you can each day to take charge of your emotional state. What will make the most positive impact in your life right now, even though it is not the easiest thing to do, is to count your blessings even in these difficult circumstances (James 1:2-3).

For everything, and every step forward, praise God! So we praise God that you are alive, recovering, and able to turn your life circumstances around. We praise God that your church and one of your places of employment both provide shelter. There is no shame in doing what is necessary to be safe and move forward toward your life goals. You do not have a mindset for it to be your permanent residence. You are working, you are in school, and you are taking steps to improve your life. It is a stepping stone to bettering your life, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. Hold your head high and keep stepping!

We praise God that you are currently in counseling and that it is available to you at your school. We praise God that you recognize the areas you are hurting and the wrong actions you are taking out of your pain. Knowing is half the battle, and now you can take steps daily to improve. We praise God for every time that you recognize that you need "time out" with Him, and for every time you increase in wisdom and knowledge as you pray and read His Word. We praise God that you have the wisdom to know that you need to go to Him to repent ((Luke 13:3, Mark 6:12, Revelation 3:19), so that He can lead you toward and in a better way of living. We praise God that all of us can go to Him in prayer when we need Him.

We praise God also for your heart for Him and your desire to please Him in not planning to file for divorce. You cannot control the actions of anyone else. You can only control your own. And I encourage you to continue to take steps toward what you know is right. Each day strive for peace, and trust God to reward you with His continual presence and joy (Psalm 16:11, Jude 1:24 KJV) & (Job 8:21, Acts 2:28 NIV). In spite of the actions of others, God sees and rewards what you do (2 Samuel 22:21, 2 Chronicles 15:7, Matthew 6:4, Colossians 3:24, Hebrews 11:6). While this relationship may or may not work out depending on the heart, actions, and state of mind of both you and your husband; you still can be blessed with a rewarding and enjoyable life (Deuteronomy 28:2). We praise God for your faith in Him and His ability to lead and guide you on your life path (Psalm 119:105). I know that as you trust Him and obey His Word He will help you to walk in and achieve the awesome plans He has for you! Expect His greatest blessings!!

You have a blessed day as well!!
Marla

[Tonya Stamper]

Marla,

Again, thank you so very much for your words and scriptures of comfort and encouragement. God is truly working with me and giving me strength. My marital circumstances for the past 2 days have been tolerable. At present, since we have a 2 level home I have moved to the upper level for now. I have apologized to Gary for my behavior past and present and made an offer to accept his lack of respect and love for me but to find in his heart to at least allow me to finish school while living in our home. I offered that the money that I pay towards the bills he can accept for bills or use toward the payment for a divorce the choice is his. I do not plan to file but if he files I will agree and not contest it as I do not expect him to financially support me in anyway. I have been praying for my heart and his but mainly that God's will be done. I have made a promise to myself to ask God's guidance in "all my ways" because I have always been somewhat dependent on Gary for the last 14 years of my life and have not obtained any independence of my own. I am asking God to build me up where I am weak to make me strong. I have taken a couple of suggestions to get credit in my own name and plan to switch the bills that I pay into my name. I have asked God to lead me and show me how to be resopnsible in all areas of my life today. Again, thanks for all the scriptures and words of encouragement. I truly believe that God has sent me a comforter in you during my time of dispair. Have a blessed day and I will e-mail more later.

[Thea]

I want to add that I am happy that you have broken the stonghold of your addiction with the help of God, but just remember that God is not a vengeful God..yes the word does say that he is jealous; it also says that when we ask for forgiveness and repent HE is faithful and just to forgive us. Now that he has forgiven you, it's time that you forgive yourself. Your ex- husband appeared in your life at a vulnerable time, it sounds like he is the vengeful one and you mistakenly feel that you are reaping what you have sown.. I feel other wise.. I pray that God will usher you to a place of restoration not only in your body but in your mind and spirit as well.. You do not deserve this type of treatment, God says you are beautifully and wonderfully made, and not only that but most importantly in HIS image. Get up and dust yourself off, mentally and physically then ask God to show you where is no room for doubt what you need to do next.. when he shows you do not waste anymore of your time. May healing, restoration and finally peace be yours my sister. In His name.

[Tonya Stamper]

Thea,
Thank you so very much for your words of encouragement. I feel like a dog that's being thrown out on the street. I don't think I have the energy to fight. My husband is constantly telling me to get out his girlfriend has told me that she loves him and that he loves her (he told me the same) and that I am in the way. I've been married to him for 14 years and have rights and refuse to just go and stay in a shelter while he just tosses me out for another woman. I will not file for divorce know that it is against God's will but will contest when my husband files so that I can get what is rightfully mine. I'm new at this and still in the learning stages regarding God's will and his plans for me. I feel that in someway or another He is leading me to stand and fight so that I can have some type of stability verses just be homeless while Gary and Nikki have everything. I may just be going on self will but am praying that God leads me as what I need to do and how I need to go about doing it. Please keep me in your prayers and again thanks for all your encouragement. I too sometime feel like I should just say forget this life and move on and let him and her have it all so that I can have a peace of mind, but I have been homeless before because he left me for her before but now wants me to leave so he can provide shelter for her and her family. This doesn't seem fair.!

[HollyOrganizer]

I am praying for God's will to work in your life, whatever that may be. Be strong, God is not leaving or forsaking you. Neither are you being "punished". Leave the guilt and take the gift of pardon. If you are in Him, you have His grace. Blessings to you.

[Tonya Stamper]

HollyOrganizer,

Thank you so very much for the wonderful words of encouragement. I've been through and am currently enduring lots of trials and tribulations but know they are not in vain and are for the His glory. He has brought me through more difficult situations and I know He is able to bring me through this one to get to where He wants me to be. Sometimes, my flesh allows me to think that I deserve all the pain and misery I am going through but I know that is the enemy and his lies. I truly know and believe that God is strengthening and preparing me for an even bigger battle for His glory. I know its not for me to understand or even try and to just give thanks to Him for using me as a living testimony for His grace and mercy. Again, thanks for the words of encouragement and I will refer to them often.

[HollyOrganizer]

How are things going for you now Tonya? Been prayerfully thinking about you.

[Tonya Stamper]

Hi there!

God has been keeping me through His grace and mercy. He's been keeping me busy with abundant blessings of being able to go back to school after 20+ years and the strength to work two jobs. I am very grateful and fortunate to be able to do all these wonderful things God has provided the path for. My husband (Gary) is still being guided by the enemy but I just pray for him and stay out of the way because I know only God can work with and through him. I've been so busy with my blessings, I haven't had to clash with Gary and his lifestyle. Thank you for the encouraging words and prayers I really need both. I definitely will leave the guilt and take the pardon, again, thanks! Have a blessed day!